When the Angels Cry

---

If you or someone you know is experiencing an emergency, contact 911 or go to your nearest emergency department.

Additional Crisis Resources:
988 National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline:

• Dial 988 (For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 988) 
• Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio: (888) 628-9454
• Chat Online

The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ support): 1-866-488-7386

Author’s Beginning Statement: 

I wrote this piece to remember the loved ones who have passed away: to remember who they were, to remember all the times I had with them, and to remember their love, their dedication, their passion, and their voices. This goes out to you.

When the Angels Cry

by Matthew Benjamin

They say death is like a broken mirror
And its memories are scattered everywhere
Devastated and heartbroken inside
My heart’s spirit lost its soul
Living in this nightmare of a world
Where there is no escape
So I tried to run away
But the further I ran away
The further I got away from the light
And the closer I got to the darkness
You see

We all experience a loved one passing away
We all experience death differently
But no matter how hard it is
We all look up to the sky, screaming

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I….

Eleven Years Ago,
When I was Seventeen Years Old
I went down to North Carolina
To visit you (Uncle Warner)
For the very last time
And I knew how hard it was going to be
But I wanted to see you anyways, because
Before that, it had been a while since I last saw you
And I knew that you didn’t remember me
But I remember all the good times you and I had
Like that time I pulled out my cell phone and took a picture of us.
Afterwards, you asked, “What was that?”
I explained what it was, and you said, “Back in my day…”
I couldn’t stop smiling, even though deep down I was sad
And that other time, you had a Super Mario shirt on.
I knew that you didn’t know who Mario was
So I kept on trying to keep that smile on my face
Even though I had two tears coming out of my eyes
Because I knew that you were going to be gone in a few months
And that’s what happened when I got the phone call
Saying that you had just passed away
That’s when I shed more tears
I couldn’t believe that you were gone
Why, then, did it feel like I just saw you yesterday?
Why, then, did it feel like you were protecting my own wounds?
You were a soldier, and you will always be one
Since you fought in the Vietnam War
You survived, but the aftermath was tragic
Your leg was blown off
Causing you to have a prosthetic leg for the rest of your life
But that didn’t stop you from being who you were, yourself
And your band of brothers were with you for the whole time
Asking if you were okay and needed any help
Because they cared so much about you
And to so many other people, including myself
You were a hero and always will be one
You marched through the trenches, and you kept on marching until the very end.
You lived a long life
But this is goodbye for now, and I salute you
And I hope one day, when I die, I can be with you again
Until then, I look up to the skies, screaming

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I….

Six Years Ago,
When I was Twenty-Two Years Old
I went to visit you, (Aunt Denise), for the very last time on Easter
After I got a call earlier that day from my Uncle
Saying that you had just passed away
But I couldn’t believe the words that he was saying
And I knew that you were sick, but it was unexpected
So I rushed over to your house
There you were, lying on your bed (That’s when I first saw you)
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing
And I just stood still
Standing there with two tears in my eyes
In my mind, I wanted to go over and wake you up
In my mind, if I went over, you would wake up from your sleep
But I didn’t
‘Cause they say death is like a broken mirror
And its memories are scattered everywhere
Devastated and heartbroken inside
My heart’s spirit lost its soul
Living in this nightmare of a world
Where there is no escape
So I tried to run away
But the further I ran away
The further I got away from the light
And the closer I got to the darkness
You see
You empowered a movement for people to speak out about their disabilities, advocating for our souls.
And I wanted to do the same, and I told you this
So you passed the torch on to me to carry on
So I can lead the way, fighting for our rights
Our disabilities & our lives (they all matter)
You taught me that it’s okay to talk about my disability
You taught me that it’s okay to be different
You taught me that it’s okay to have a disability
You taught me that my voice matters
You taught me so much, and I will always remember and carry on what you told me.
And when I pass away, I will pass the torch to someone else
So they can remember what I’ve done for the community
And I hope one day, when I die, I can see you again
Until then, I look up to the skies, screaming

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I…

Five Years Ago,
When I was Twenty-Four Years Old
I lost you (Waffle, my Cat)
You were everything to me
My princess, my daughter, and my best friend
You were always there for me
Whenever I would come home, you were there to listen to me
You would listen to how my day was, whether it was good or bad
No matter how my day was, you would be there for me
And as time moved forward, you got older
And as time moved forward, so did I
And in 2020, that’s when you got sick
That’s when the doctor said that you had cancer
I couldn’t believe the words that came out
And I cried two tears
Knowing that soon you were going to be gone
So I spent the time you had left, right next to you, until the very end
And when my Dad brought you to the hospital
They put you down
My Dad came back and told me what happened
That’s when I shed more tears
I couldn’t believe you were gone
And I tried to push on
But the more I tried to push, the more stress I put on myself
Why did I try to push on when I knew that I couldn’t
The more anxious I got, after a while, I had a mental breakdown
Thirteen years, I had you, and it’s been five years since you’ve been gone
And I still miss you, and I will always will
Your ashes are in an urn, and I have you as my background on my phone
And I have a picture of you, right next to my bed
And that tattoo on my back represents you and everybody else that I lost
And soon I’ll get another tattoo that represents you and how much I love you
I was eleven years old when I got you
Back in 2007, November was the month
And I wanted a cat for Christmas
So my Dad got you, and the rest is history
We had so much fun together
I just wish that you were still here with me
Cause I miss you so much
But I know you’re always protecting me
You are my guardian angel, watching me from the Heaven’s above
And I hope one day, when I die, I can be with you again
Until then, I look up to the skies, screaming

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I…

This goes out to all the loved ones who have passed away
Thank you for always being there (protecting me & guiding me)
Thank you for all your love
Thank you for everything
You will always be remembered

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I….

When The Angels Cry

---

Authors’ End Statement:

I first experienced death when I was 9 years old. When my Grandpa Robert passed away. I didn’t understand what was going on. Why were people crying? Why were people making speeches? Why were people going up to the casket? Why were people carrying the casket? Why was the casket going six feet below? Why were people throwing sand/dirt into the grave? Why were people throwing roses into the grave? Why did/do I feel like I’m the only one?

I didn’t understand why the people whom I loved the most were gone. To be honest, I still don’t understand. I don’t know if I will ever process these deaths. I know they are gone, but I just wish they were still alive so that I could see them again and hear their voices one last time. It’s hard to lose someone who you love and care about the most. It’s hard to talk about death and grief because they’re heavy subjects, and most people (including myself) are afraid to talk about them.

Death has definitely taken a toll on me. When I was young, I was afraid of dying, and I still am. I cried nonstop after my Grandpa passed away. In April of 2006, my Grandma Charlotte passed away, and in 2007, my Nana passed away. Why Them? (I thought). Why take their lives away?
I just didn’t understand why? Why me?

I remember at one point, in fifth grade, I had a mental breakdown and left the class and sat outside in the hallway crying nonstop. To the point where my teacher had to come out and check on me to see if I was okay. That’s how hard death and grief were.

It wasn’t easy for me, and it still isn’t easy for me, to talk and write about my past. Writing this piece has been hard and taken a toll on me, but at the same time it helps me remember those whom I love – remember all the good times I had with them and all the memories I had with them. It’s truly an honor, a blessing, and a privilege to have known these individuals. (My Family). I know that I made them proud. I know that I made them happy. I know that I made them smile. They were the best. I miss them so much, and I love them so much.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything.
– Matthew Benjamin