How to Support Everyone in a Neurodiverse Family

About the Author

Brenda Dater, MSW, MPH, is the executive director at AANE and the author of “Parenting Without Panic.” Brenda is a mom of three, and her eldest is an Autistic woman. Brenda has facilitated parent support groups for over 20 years and thoroughly enjoys creating an environment where parents can find the support, information, and the community they need.

I am the mom to Rachel, my Autistic daughter who also has ADHD, my ADHD son, Daniel, and Josh, my neurotypical son. My children, now all adults, wanted me to share how being in a neurodiverse family like ours has brought joy and challenge as we all try to understand and honor each other’s different needs while valuing our own perspectives.

As my kids were growing up, I was often surprised by how even my two neurodivergent kids could have such different needs. Mostly that’s because I was the tired mom of three young kids and I wanted whatever strategy had been successful with one child to work with the other. But I soon discovered that was rarely the case. 

Of course in hindsight, it’s not surprising that different kids would have different needs. Both Rachel and Daniel experienced more prolonged and consistent challenges in the world compared to Josh, my youngest neurotypical son. It’s not that Josh didn’t experience difficulties growing up, but with support and guidance, he was able to weather these expected developmental milestones and recover more quickly from setbacks. He also had a broader social network of friends that helped him see he wasn’t alone in struggles he experienced. Although at times he expressed that he felt we didn’t take his problems as seriously as his siblings, with time and conversation, he has realized that he and his siblings truly needed different levels and types of support. Together we all learned where we needed to adjust our approaches and expectations so that all family members could better understand and communicate with each other. In our family, we found these differences appeared in multiple ways:

• Sensory sensitivities to noise: Rachel and Daniel both have sensory sensitivities, but in opposite directions. Rachel has a very loud voice but is sensitive to noise from others. She wears noise canceling headphones but can’t tell when her own volume might be difficult for others nearby. My ADHD son is very sensitive to loud noises and finds it difficult to be near his sister when she is talking. The solution that helped them both manage living together is for my son to remind his sister that he has sensitive ears and ask her to lower her volume, which Rachel doesn’t mind doing. Daniel had to learn how to ask her instead of expecting her to realize her loud voice might be hard for others. 
• Communication styles: Rachel prefers direct communication. She has more trouble when people talk around an issue. Daniel hates conflict and would rather avoid any conversations that could be unpleasant. This has often resulted in them being very frustrated with each other. But the older they get, the better they are at understanding they can have different styles of communication and don’t need to force their own style on each other to effectively communicate.
• Energy levels: Rachel needs at least 9-10 hours of sleep each night and can’t stay up very late. Daniel can be up at all hours and have energy to work and run around with friends. Although both of them can get depleted by having to take care of things that are outside their comfort zone, they recover their energy in different ways. Rachel needs to not have any more demands placed on her and needs lots of time by herself or with our dog. Daniel can often overextend himself and then may crash or find that he has built up too much tension from holding so much in. He often needs to do something physical, like go for a run, or stretch, to recover. 
• Need for routine: Rachel wants to know the exact schedule so she can prepare for any events, like people coming over, and make sure she can manage. Daniel also likes to know a schedule in advance or if plans are changing. Keeping both kids informed of schedules and changes has worked well for both. But they have also come to understand that sometimes there will be things they may not know about in advance. Josh also appreciates advance notice of events and could get frustrated when we forgot to share upcoming plans. Now they know that no one is in control of everything, and that usually helps us all relax a bit instead of being overly stressed about unexpected changes.

My kids’ overlapping needs can sometimes create misunderstandings or conflicts. We’ve found that these approaches have helped them feel better understood, appreciated, and valued for who they are.

• Acknowledge individual needs: It has been helpful to recognize that each sibling experiences the world in their own way. For example, Daniel likes having large groups of people around to talk to and Rachel finds large gatherings overwhelming. We try to validate these differences and avoid placing a value of one over the other. We allow them to accommodate their needs, and work hard so that one person’s need doesn’t always impose on the other.
• Foster empathy between siblings: As Daniel and Rachel have learned more about autism and ADHD, they have become more patient with each other. Josh’s increased understanding of how his siblings process information has helped him connect in positive ways by watching shows together or listening to music they all enjoy. We try to help our entire family better understand why they struggle with certain activities like acting urgently or remembering to do something and that they may need reminders or things written down. We also try to point out the strengths and challenges that each person in our family brings so we all acknowledge none of us has it all figured out and we all have something to offer.
• Promote Teamwork and Collaboration: It is wonderful when we can discover activities that support each other and bring out our best. Rachel enjoys learning to cook, but she can’t drive yet. Daniel can drive and can clean the kitchen, but doesn’t plan meals well. Together they can bring a meal together without having to do all the parts by themselves. Shared success can build stronger bonds.

Whether your family is just beginning to realize its neurodiversity or has long embraced it, remember that even small steps toward understanding make a big difference. Together, you can build a family environment where everyone feels seen, valued, and supported.