More on Supporting Healthy Intimate Relationships

Brenda Dater, MSW, MPH

Brenda Dater, MSW, MPH

About the Author

Brenda Dater, MSW, MPH, is the executive director at AANE and the author of “Parenting Without Panic.” Brenda is a mom of three, and her eldest is an Autistic transgender woman. Brenda has facilitated parent support groups for over 20 years and thoroughly enjoys creating an environment where parents can find the support, information, and the community they need.

A couple of months ago, I wrote about how parents can help support healthy intimate relationships for their Autistic adult children. With my Autistic daughter’s permission, I shared Rachel’s experience navigating her sexuality and growing wish to be in an intimate relationship. When I was talking with Rachel about what she has learned from searching for a partner, she suggested I share an update about her experience.

After getting to know her girlfriend online over the past five months, Rachel and I traveled out of state so they could meet in person. Leading up to the trip, we had multiple conversations about what their visit would look like. Initially, Rachel thought she would spend the weekend with her. Rachel’s expectations of the get-together shifted as the trip drew closer, noting that she needed to see if they had the same connection in person as they had online. They ultimately agreed to meet up for an afternoon first. 

On the drive out, we talked more about safety and she offered that she could text me if she felt she needed to leave immediately. My emphasis on safety was because this was so new to Rachel. When a relationship is new and you are excited about being together, red flags can be ignored. I was concerned that she might feel pressured to do something that made her uncomfortable to please her girlfriend. She looked over at me and said, “Mom, when have I ever done something just to please another person when I didn’t want to do it?” She had a point.

Afterwards, Rachel felt proud of herself for venturing out into the dating world. On the ride back to our hotel she said, “That was great. I’m glad I did it. But I don’t think it will work because of the distance and we don’t have easy ways to see each other.” I was glad to see that she felt positively about the relationship and also recognized that it wasn’t what she wanted long term.

Once we returned back home, Rachel and her girlfriend broke up. She felt sad that it couldn’t work out, but also felt strongly that it was important to expend her energy on dating someone she could also be with in person. She recovered from the break up and set up two dates in short succession. After the first date, the woman was not interested in going out again. Rachel was not too upset, understanding that dating means learning what works and what doesn’t. Not every date or encounter will lead to a long term relationship. She seems very content and empowered to pursue her wish to connect with someone more intimately. 

Both Rachel and I reaffirmed and learned some things from navigating this experience: 

  1. It’s ok to talk about safety and health in intimate relationships. I let her know in advance that I want to talk to her about this and we keep the conversation under five minutes. I’m also careful not to make this the only topic we talk about or to do it in front of others. It’s a part of our relationship, but not the only way we interact.
  2. Our adult children are allowed to make mistakes. As Rachel says, “Mom, I’m not going to do this perfectly. Let me make the dumb teenage mistakes everyone else gets to make.” As much as I would like to shield Rachel from heartache, I know I can’t, nor would it be healthy to do so. She learns by doing, and needs real world experience to find what works for her.
  3. Our adult children are allowed privacy. It’s important to explain the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is about having parts of your life that you don’t share with others. Secrecy tends to be motivated by shame and fear. Everyone needs some privacy to better understand themselves and have boundaries that support a healthy life. Being asked to keep a secret or feeling ashamed or fearful if you were to share a secret may be signs of an unhealthy relationship.
  4. Keep ties to friends and other significant people while exploring new relationships. Rachel wants to broaden her social circle – and so she has added dating, but has not stopped seeing other friends. She has also stayed connected to her family, her coach, and therapist. All of these other relationships and connections provide support, perspective, encouragement, and fun for her. 

Every family’s dynamic is different. It isn’t easy to know how best to support an adult child as they explore personal intimate relationships. Honoring their choices, responding to them as an adult, and following their lead helps keep the lines of communication open and fosters mutual respect and trust.

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