Beyond Yes and No: Consent Through Ongoing Communication

About the Author

Ilia Walsh is the director of Individual and Family Services at AANE and the creator of the Autism In Real Life Podcast. Ilia is a mom of two young adults, one of which is Autistic. She has over 25 years of experience with families, children, and adults through training, education, and support. Ilia is also a registered yoga teacher and also enjoys painting, dancing, and traveling.

Key Takeaways

• Consent is ongoing communication throughout a relationship, not a single yes or no, and past consent doesn’t create permanent permission.
• Research shows both Autistic and non-Autistic college students prefer explicit verbal consent, so asking directly is good relationship practice for everyone.
• Consent can be playful and flirtatious, and Autistic adults can use texting, planning ahead, or shared notes to talk about boundaries in ways that work for them.
• When a boundary is crossed, accountability means listening without defensiveness and changing behavior, not just feeling bad.

In my work with individuals, couples, and families, as well as in providing relationship education, I regularly have conversations about communication, intimacy, boundaries, and consent. The circumstances may be different, but I hear many of the same questions.

How do I know if someone is interested?
What if I misread the situation?
If we have done something before, do I need to ask again?
What if I thought someone was interested and later found out they were uncomfortable?
How do I tell someone what I want without coming across as pushy?
What if I am not entirely sure what I want yet?

We talk about consent as though the answers should be simple. No means no. Yes means yes. You can change your mind.

All true. All important. And also, not how most relationships work in practice. We are constantly communicating interest, desire, uncertainty, comfort, discomfort, and changing needs, sometimes without saying much of anything. We also bring our own histories into every interaction: our upbringing, culture, identities, previous experiences, relationships, expectations, and beliefs about what intimacy and sexuality are supposed to look like. Being Autistic or Neurodivergent is one part of that picture, but there are many other parts of who we are that influence how we understand and communicate about relationships and consent.

For Autistic and other Neurodivergent people, some of the gaps in how we typically communicate about relationships can become easier to see. So much of dating and relationship culture depends on nonverbal communication, indirect language, subtle changes in tone or behavior, and social expectations that may never be stated explicitly. People are expected to recognize flirting, interpret body language, understand when someone is teasing, know whether hesitation means uncertainty or disinterest, and somehow recognize when something has shifted. That is a lot of important information to communicate without communicating it directly.

Maybe the answer is not getting better at guessing what another person is thinking but getting better at finding ways to communicate with each other that work for everyone involved.

Consent Is More Than a Yes

We often talk about consent as a single moment: someone asks, someone answers. Consent can be much more fluid. You can want someone to kiss you and not want anything beyond that. You can enjoy a particular kind of touch in one situation and dislike it in another. You can be comfortable with sexual joking privately and uncomfortable when the same joke happens around friends. You can want something at 7:00 and feel completely different at 7:15.

And yes, this applies to established relationships too.

Once people have kissed, had sex, lived together, or been partners for years, familiarity can quietly turn into assumption. If my partner has always enjoyed when I put my arm around them, do I need to ask every single time?

The answer depends on the people involved. For some people, certain kinds of affection may become understood within a relationship unless someone communicates otherwise. For others, being asked each time may be important. That itself can be part of the conversation.

The question is whether those patterns reflect something we have actually come to understand about each other or something we have simply stopped asking about. 

Previous consent creates familiarity. It does not create permanent permission.

The Assumptions We Bring With Us

Most of us absorbed quite a bit about relationships before anyone discussed consent.

We took in messages from our families, friends, media, religion, culture, and previous relationships. We saw who was expected to make the first move. We saw what flirting supposedly looked like and how people were expected to behave when they were interested in someone.

Many of us grew up with the expectation that men initiate and pursue while women respond without appearing too interested. Persistence read as romantic. Teasing meant someone liked you. Playing hard to get counted as flirting. Some of those messages have changed. Some are still hanging around.

Now someone might be thinking, “I like this person, but I don’t want to seem creepy or pushy.”  Meanwhile, the other person may be thinking, “Why haven’t they said anything? Maybe they aren’t interested.” And there we are. Two people interested in each other, both trying to follow rules nobody ever clearly explained.

For Autistic and Neurodivergent people, those unwritten rules can add another layer of uncertainty. But rather than focusing only on helping people become better at deciphering subtle cues, we can also question why we expect so much important communication from anyone to depend on subtle cues in the first place.

Research is beginning to support that idea. In a study of Autistic and non-Autistic college students, Erin McKenney and colleagues found a strong preference for explicit verbal consent across both groups (McKenney et al., 2024). There was also a disconnect between what people personally preferred and what they thought other people expected. Think about that for a minute. We may be worried that asking will make something awkward while the other person is wishing we would ask. Maybe clarity is simply good relationship practice.

Consent Can Be Sexy

There is an idea that asking for consent somehow ruins the moment. But asking does not have to make an interaction clinical or less interesting. There are plenty of ways to communicate both desire and consent.

“Can I kiss you?” is perfectly fine. But so is, “I have been thinking about kissing you all night. Would you like that?” The person asking is still expressing desire. And the person responding can communicate desire too. “Yes, I’ve been hoping you would,” “I really want you to kiss me,” or “Come here” can make consent part of the flirtation rather than something separate from it.

The answer does not always have to be an uncomplicated yes either. “Not that, but don’t stop kissing me,” “I don’t want to go any further tonight, but I really like this,” or “I want to keep being close to you, I’m just not ready for that” can communicate both a boundary and continued interest. Sometimes the answer is simply no, and no one is responsible for making their no sound sexy or reassuring. But when someone does want to continue connecting in another way, they can communicate that too.

Consent can be playful, flirtatious, direct, sexy, or even a little awkward. Awkward is survivable. The point is not finding the perfect sentence. It is creating enough room for an honest answer. And not everyone communicates best in the moment or face to face.

Maybe you talk before the date. Maybe you text. Maybe you have a shared note where you talk about things you like, things you do not like, things you might be curious about, and things that are completely off the table. Some people love structured conversations and checklists. Others hate them.

Autistic adults describe building their own approaches to intimacy, including planning ahead, communicating explicitly, and negotiating relationships that depart from conventional relationship structures and sexual scripts (Barnett & Maticka Tyndale, 2015; Ciric et al., 2025).

There is no prize for making communication look spontaneous. If the people involved understand each other, the communication worked.

Different Spaces Come With Different Expectations

We also change our expectations depending on where we are.

Think about a party, a music festival, a family event, a religious gathering, a dating event, or a community where people openly talk about sexuality or nontraditional relationships. Those spaces can feel completely different.

In one community, people may hug everyone they meet. Somewhere else, a hug might feel surprisingly personal. Some spaces may be more comfortable with physical affection, flirting, or open conversations about sexuality. Understanding the culture can help you navigate the space. But it still does not tell you what the individual person standing in front of you wants.

Being somewhere where hugging is common does not mean everyone wants a hug. Talking openly about sex does not mean someone wants sexual comments directed toward them. 

A community can develop norms. It cannot consent on behalf of the people within it.

The same applies to alcohol and other substances. Different people have different boundaries. For example, someone may decide they do not engage sexually after drinking. Partners may agree that certain activities happen only when everyone is sober. Other people may make different choices. No universal rule needs to govern every adult relationship. Everyone involved needs to understand their own boundaries, the other person’s boundaries, and whether they can freely make the decision they are making.

Consent and Communication Can Get Complicated

When we talk about Autism and consent, we often focus on vulnerability. That matters. Autistic and Neurodivergent people can be more vulnerable to exploitation, coercion, and unwanted sexual experiences for a variety of reasons. Someone may have difficulty recognizing another person’s intentions or may interpret attention as friendship when the other person is seeking something more. Someone with less relationship experience may be unsure what to expect or may assume that something uncomfortable is simply part of dating. Others may be perceived as inexperienced by people willing to take advantage of that perception.

Difficulty identifying our own discomfort in the moment, needing additional processing time, or feeling uncertain about how to respond can add another layer of vulnerability. Sometimes the challenge is not communicating a boundary but figuring out what the boundary is. We may think we are going to enjoy something and discover that we do not. We may be curious about something without knowing whether we will like it, or we may want some of what is happening without wanting everything that might typically come next.

You don’t have to know exactly what you want in order to begin talking about what you want to explore. “I’m curious about that, but can we go slowly?” “I think I’d like to try it, but I may want to stop.” “I’m not sure what I want yet. Can we stay here for a while?” or even “Something doesn’t feel right, but I don’t know how to explain it yet” are all ways of communicating where you are in that moment. Sometimes figuring out what we want happens through conversation and experience, as long as there is enough trust and safety to pause, check in, change direction, or stop.

At the same time, communication differences can go both ways. Friendliness might be interpreted as attraction. Someone who is excited about a new relationship might contact the other person much more frequently than the other person expects or continue reaching out without realizing that the frequency itself has become uncomfortable. An indirect attempt to communicate “no” might not be understood as a no. Someone may interpret hesitation as uncertainty and continue asking when the other person is actually trying to decline.

This is one reason clear communication matters for everyone involved. But being clear does not mean there is only one correct way to say no. “No, I don’t want to do that” is clear, but so are “I don’t like when you touch me there,” “I want to stop,” “I don’t want to go any further tonight,” or “I would rather you ask me before you hug me.” Sometimes it may be easier to communicate what you do want: “I don’t want that, but I would like to keep cuddling,” or “I like hearing from you, but this many texts feels overwhelming. Can we check in once a day instead?” Having language available can make it easier to communicate a boundary without needing to find the perfect words in the moment.

Clear communication is also the responsibility of the person asking or initiating. If someone hesitates, becomes quieter, gives an unclear response, or seems less engaged, that is an opportunity to check in rather than guess what the change means. And even “Tell me what you want” can be a difficult question to answer. Sometimes more specific questions are easier: “What would feel good right now?” “What kind of mood are you in?” “Are you enjoying this?” “Would you like more of this?” “Would you rather cuddle or have some space?” or “How will I know if you want me to keep going or if you want me to stop?”

Sometimes better communication isn’t about learning how to answer the question. It’s about asking a question the other person can actually answer.

These conversations are not only about sex. They can be about kissing, cuddling, affection, flirting, texting, physical space, dating, intimacy, or sexual activity. The goal is not for one person to communicate a perfect yes or no while the other person waits for it. Everyone involved has a role in making the interaction understandable, and sometimes that means helping each other find the language to talk about what feels good, what does not, and what hasn’t been figured out yet.

What Happens When We Get It Wrong?

This is where consent gets harder to talk about because we want a clean line between right and wrong. Sometimes there is one. Ignoring a clear refusal is not a communication difference. Repeatedly pressuring someone after they have declined is not a misunderstanding. We should not explain away coercion, manipulation, taking advantage of someone’s impaired capacity, or purposefully pushing past someone’s boundaries as poor communication.

And then there are situations that are less clear.

People misunderstand each other. Someone misses a cue. Someone realizes afterward that they were not as comfortable as they thought they were. Someone gets excited and moves too quickly. People can experience the exact same interaction quite differently. When that happens, another question is worth asking.

What happens when we talk about what happened?

Can the person listen? Can they hear, “I wasn’t comfortable with that,” without immediately becoming defensive or explaining why they did nothing wrong? Can they say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. Tell me what I missed”? Can they tolerate knowing that their intention and the other person’s experience were different? And then, do they change their behavior?

There is a difference between feeling bad and taking accountability. Feeling bad is an emotion. Accountability requires being willing to understand the impact of what happened and doing something differently. If someone feels that their boundaries were crossed, they do not owe the other person a conversation, reconciliation, or forgiveness. Repair may not be appropriate or wanted. But when the people involved do want to repair a relationship, curiosity, listening, and accountability matter.

Maybe We Need Less Guessing

One of the things I have learned through working with people in relationships is that they can care deeply about each other, share the same experience, and still come away with very different understandings of what happened.

Thinking about communication in Neurodiverse relationships gives us an opportunity to look more closely at practices that many of us have simply accepted as part of dating and relationships. Perhaps some of the things that are particularly difficult for Neurodivergent people are not communication practices we should be asking anyone to rely on so heavily.

Why should someone have to recognize exactly the right facial expression to know whether a kiss is wanted? Why should we expect someone to understand that “maybe” meant “please stop asking”? Why should expressing desire become less romantic because someone said it out loud? Why do we assume everyone should already know how to have these conversations?

Consent does not have to remove spontaneity, desire, flirtation, or fun from relationships. Knowing that the person you are interested in is also interested in you, and that you both want what is happening, can actually create more space for exploration, playfulness, and connection.

We do not need perfect communication. We need enough trust to ask when we are unsure, enough self awareness to recognize when we need more time, and enough respect for the other person to hear and accept an answer that may be different from the one we hoped for.

We need relationships where “I don’t know yet” is a legitimate answer. Where changing your mind is allowed. Where desire can be expressed without creating an obligation. Where checking in can communicate interest rather than insecurity. Where both people can initiate and both people can respond.

Consent is not one question followed by one answer. It is part of how we communicate throughout a relationship, and that communication evolves along with the people in it. What works at the beginning of a relationship may change as people become more comfortable, learn more about themselves and each other, or experience changes in their lives and needs.

Like every other part of communication, consent is something we develop together. It can grow and change as we do, and we can always get better at talking about it.

Want some examples of language you can try?

Explore What Can I Say? A Language Guide for Consent, Connection, and Boundaries for practical examples of ways to communicate interest, uncertainty, boundaries, changing your mind, and what you might want to explore.

References

Barnett, J. P., & Maticka Tyndale, E. (2015). Qualitative exploration of sexual experiences among adults on the autism spectrum: Implications for sex education. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 47(4), 171–179.

Ciric, T., White, L. C. J., Allison Duncan, C., Maloney, E., & Gillespie Smith, K. (2025). “It’s quite difficult to put Autistic relationships in a box”: A qualitative exploration of romantic relationships in gender and sexually diverse Autistic adults. Autism. Advance online publication.

McKenney, E. E., Cucchiara, C. L., Senanayake, A., & Gotham, K. O. (2024). “I don’t care if it would kill the mood. I’m going to use my words”: Perceptions and use of explicit verbal sexual consent in neurodiverse undergraduate students. The Journal of Sex Research. Advance online publication.

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FAQs

What does ongoing consent mean?
Ongoing consent means checking in throughout a relationship rather than treating one yes as permission for everything. People can want one thing and not another, change their minds, or feel differently in different settings, even in long-term relationships.

Why can consent be harder to navigate for Autistic people?
Dating culture relies heavily on body language, indirect hints, and unwritten rules, which can be harder for Autistic and Neurodivergent people to interpret. Clear, direct communication reduces guessing and helps everyone understand what the other person wants.

Does asking for consent ruin the mood?
No. Research on Autistic and non-Autistic college students found a strong preference for explicit verbal consent in both groups. Asking can also express desire, as in “I’ve been thinking about kissing you all night. Would you like that?”

How can Autistic adults communicate boundaries in relationships?
Autistic adults can communicate boundaries in whatever way works best, such as talking before a date, texting, or keeping a shared note of likes, dislikes, and limits. It can also help to say what you do want, like “I don’t want that, but I’d like to keep cuddling.”

What should you do if you crossed someone’s boundary by mistake?
Listen without becoming defensive, apologize, ask what you missed, and change your behavior going forward. The other person doesn’t owe you a conversation or forgiveness, but accountability matters if you both want to repair the relationship.