Autism and Suicide: Increasing Understanding for Parents

About the Author

Kelly is a therapist and Senior Manager of Individual and Family Services and a LifeMAP Coach at AANE. She worked at McLean Hospital using DBT to teach women emotion regulation tools and other life skills to move forward in their lives. Kelly helps navigate what autism means for individuals and their loved ones.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing an emergency, contact 911 or go to your nearest emergency department.

Additional Crisis Resources:
988 National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline:

• Dial 988 (For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 988) 
• Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio: (888) 628-9454
• Chat Online

The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ support): 1-866-488-7386

Warning: This article discusses the topic of suicidal ideation and working to reduce suicide risk.

Suicide is a topic that weighs heavily on many in the Autistic community and for good reason. Death by suicide among autistic people is four times higher when compared to the general population (Kolves et al., 2021), and suicide attempts are seven times more common for autistic adults (Hirovoski et al., 2020). Parents regularly seek AANE’s guidance on their role in supporting their child.  For parents of adults especially, we often hear confusion around wanting to respect their child’s autonomy and yet not wanting their kid to suffer or possibly even inadvertently contribute to it. It can be hard to know where and how to step in effectively, and this uncertainty, understandably, tends to be compounded by actual or perceived risk of suicide.

The Range of Suicidality

It’s helpful to understand that there is a whole spectrum of how suicidality is experienced and as with many things pertaining to Autistic individuals, more research is needed. Someone can have suicidal thoughts (“ideation”) occasionally and someone else can have chronic/persistent ideation and there are many shades of grey in between. Thoughts of suicide can become habitual or repetitive, as with any other thought pattern, especially if it brings some relief to think about as an “escape.” Not everyone is going to be able to articulate the way they are thinking about suicide explicitly of course, especially in periods of acute distress. Further, alexithymia (difficulty identifying and naming emotions) and masking can contribute to Autistic individuals being perceived as “okay” when in fact there’s significant distress. Being aware of changes in behavior can be particularly useful. Some typical and even affirming Autistic behavior can be misunderstood, like misinterpreting post-socializing decompression as concerning isolation, which is why paying attention to what’s atypical for your child is key. 

Communication is Critical

It can’t be said enough that contrary to what many people believe, asking someone if they’re thinking about suicide does not increase the likelihood of suicidal behavior. If a person is thinking about suicide, it can be tremendously relieving for someone else to open the door to talking about it. An Autistic person may find it tricky to initiate or insert something into a conversation about any topic, especially when there’s worry about what the response will be, so unsurprisingly, this can be heightened with a topic like suicide. You as a parent can help by asking directly. Your child may become overwhelmed and shut down; give them time to process. If written/text conversations are typically more effective with your child, that approach can also work here. 

If your child shares with you that they are suicidal, try to first pause and breathe to regulate yourself. That’s not an easy thing to hear and it’s going to activate emotions inside you, especially if that comes with a flooding of memories from past painful experiences or an intense fear. You might say something like “I’m really glad you let me know. I want to pause to take that in.” This models an important skill: we don’t need to jump immediately to action or have the “perfect” words to say; it’s not about fixing something – or someone –  it’s about being present with them and their pain. It’s hard to be an effective helper if you can’t think.

Other things you can do as a parent/caregiver:

• If your child is working with a mental health professional, encourage them to get clarity on the provider’s policy for out of session contact. Some therapists, typically those providing DBT therapy offer skills coaching by phone for in-the-moment help applying coping skills. Even with adult children, with their permission, it can sometimes be helpful to join one of their therapy sessions to learn how you can most effectively support the therapy work, especially in crisis moments or to understand your child’s warning signs that may lead up to a crisis situation.
• Recommend your child call or text the 988 Lifeline or use it yourself as a caregiver.
  • 988 Information for the autism community 
• Find out if Mobile Crisis Teams are available in your area.
  • In MA: Mobile Crisis Intervention
• Offer/initiate collaboratively creating a coping plan with your child – this might include you asking them about their passion/special interest as a way to shift attention and self soothe
• Consider if DBT therapy might be a helpful treatment for longer standing emotion dysregulation and suicidality
• Join an AANE Parent Support Group and/or sign up for Parent Coaching
• Look into the Family Connections Program

Suicidal ideation and behavior warrant compassionate attention, but there are opportunities for parents to help outside of these more acute periods of distress. Feeling a sense of belonging without masking and having a way to contribute or feel purposeful can greatly improve your child’s quality of life. If these experiences can start in the home and/or relationship with your child, it can help build a foundation for that to happen more often in the wider world.