Unmasking

About the Author

Brenda Dater, MSW, MPH, is the executive director at AANE and the author of “Parenting Without Panic.” Brenda is a mom of three, and her eldest is an Autistic transgender woman. Brenda has facilitated parent support groups for over 20 years and thoroughly enjoys creating an environment where parents can find the support, information, and the community they need.

The term masking is often used to describe when an Autistic individual consciously or unconsciously tries to hide their Autistic traits or mimicks neurotypical behavior. A year ago, I shared conversations I had with my Autistic daughter, Rachel, about how masking had impacted her life. When I asked Rachel if there was anything else she wanted to add on the topic, we thought it would be helpful to share what we’ve both learned about unmasking.

Unmasking means recognizing the things that make us feel more comfortable and more ourselves, and honoring those things, even if they may not fit into the “social norm.” This could be stimming by tapping fingers or spinning a fidget ring. It could be wearing loose fitting clothes or wearing headphones to mitigate sensory sensitivities. Unmasking also means shedding practices that make us feel anxious or depleted, like constantly maintaining eye contact or having conversations in a way that feels unnatural.

Unmasking can help set healthy boundaries. Boundaries help protect us from people and situations that can be draining or cause harm. This means not forcing ourselves to engage in activities or ways of being that are not who we are and take a heavy toll. This doesn’t mean that we get to avoid expending extra energy sometimes, like when we have to fill out extensive paperwork to see a health care provider. But it does mean that if we have an intense day, we may need to think about how to counterbalance those stressors so that we can recover. For Rachel, that often means that she will choose one challenging task per day and then go for a walk or cook something to help relieve some of the built up stress she feels. 

Healthy boundaries can also show up by providing options for social activities. Especially with the holiday season, it’s helpful to talk about what types of events or get-togethers are being planned. For Rachel, it often means she chooses to join social gatherings for a shorter amount of time, or brings something to read so she can excuse herself from the group and find a quiet place to decompress. This way she’s included and enjoys time with others and doesn’t have to mask when interactions are too taxing if her energy level becomes low. 

Unmasking doesn’t mean that we get to ignore our role in maintaining relationships. No matter our neurological profile, we all can do or say things that cause others emotional or physical distress we did not intend. For instance, physical contact like hugging, which might be a sign of closeness for a neurotypical person, may cause a lot of physical discomfort for an Autistic person, which only comes to light when they stop masking. Unmasking can also mean an Autistic person may say things to people in a way they feel is honest, funny, or simply arguing their point, but which might cause a breach in the relationship. Strong emotions can certainly take over and it can feel near impossible to stay quiet when we feel like someone has purposely done something that hurt us. The reaction and response we feel is valid. Sometimes though, the assumptions we are making are wrong. 

For Rachel, this often happens in conversations where her siblings might not know as much as she does on a particular topic, and she can say things that hurt their feelings. Resolving these conflicts is hard because both parties have valid feelings and deserve to be heard and understood. In our family, we try to resolve that by listening to each other, making sure we understand what led to the strong response so we can take that into account next time, and also show support for the person who has experienced hurt. This approach has helped encourage more understanding amongst siblings and led to positive conversations that help them repair their relationships. 

Being accommodating should not be solely on the shoulders of Autistic people or neurotypical people. If we can approach environments and interactions with a spirit of understanding rather than demanding (or holding a particular way of being as superior or preferable), we can create a workable balance of honoring what we all need and finding a middle ground when we can — and if we can’t, finding a solution we can all live with.

Unmasking can help us find people and places that like us as we are and can help us focus on activities that support our health and wellbeing. Finding people who truly like and appreciate us for who we are is a gift. It can help us feel accepted and valued without having to second guess ourselves constantly. And when we find people that help us feel understood and welcomed, that may help us offer that same sense of belonging to someone else. For Rachel, she feels this with her weekly queer game night. The people are welcoming and she feels more relaxed. And in turn, she is able to be welcoming to new people who join. Even when she’s going through a very stressful time, she knows if she goes to the games group, she will feel more connected to others who get her and will feel better while she’s there and afterward. It’s a remarkable change.

I hope that we all find people and places where we can unmask – where we can be our true selves and feel welcomed for who we are.