Travel as a Catalyst for Self-Discovery
About the Author
Brenda Dater, MSW, MPH, is the executive director at AANE and the author of “Parenting Without Panic.” Brenda is a mom of three, and her eldest is an Autistic transgender woman. Brenda has facilitated parent support groups for over 20 years and thoroughly enjoys creating an environment where parents can find the support, information, and the community they need.
When my Autistic daughter, Rachel, was 16, she went on a high school trip to Prague, Berlin, and the site of the Auschwitz-Birkenau museum in Poland. Rachel had never traveled without our family before this trip, and it proved to be an important experience in her life. Rachel offered to let me share her story so that others could think about how traveling might help them have a deeper involvement with the interests they love and learn something new about themselves.
The trip’s focus was on history, and Rachel was excited to visit places she’d been learning about for years. This was also the first time she would be outside the country, traveling with teachers and students she knew, but who might not fully understand the extent of planning and support she might need. We all felt it was important for Rachel to have this experience because she wanted to go away to college, and this would be a chance for her to be away from her family, with some support from others, while also depending more on herself. It was a safe way for her to try new things and gain more confidence in managing the unpredictable nature of travel.
On the trip she was excited to finally travel to historical sites she had been passionately reading about and dreaming of visiting. She loved the museum visits and spending time in cities with food she hadn’t tried before. It was a way to really connect with many of her interests in a meaningful way.
Rachel also had extreme anxiety when things didn’t happen as expected or when the comforts of home were not easily accessible. She also faced some of the challenges that often come with traveling. She didn’t feel well in the summer heat without air conditioning and struggled to keep up with the pace of activities. In one instance, when the group had free time to explore the city and find dinner, the cohort she was with left her behind, and she had to find her way back to their hotel alone. She lost her debit card and had to deal with that disruption. She accidentally drank another group member’s soda without replacing it, which caused a disagreement. But the leaders helped her and the group better understand each other and together they solved each problem in turn.
A few weeks after Rachel returned from the trip, I took her out to lunch. Rachel allows me to ask one or two questions per conversation, so I had to think carefully about what I wanted to learn more about. I started by saying that whenever I have traveled out of the country to a new place where I might not speak the language or understand the culture, I feel like I learn something unexpected about myself from being out of my comfort zone. So I asked Rachel, “What did you learn about yourself from being on this trip?”
She was quiet for a moment and then said, “I learned that I can be a jerk. And I learned that I actually care about what people think of me because I want to be a good friend.” I was blown away by her answer. Before the trip she had said multiple times that she didn’t care if people liked her and she didn’t need friends. As we talked more about what led to this change in attitude, she explained that after her classmates had left her behind, she had yelled at them, and they told her they didn’t want to be treated that way. She realized that even though she had every right to be upset, her behavior didn’t improve the situation. In fact, it created more difficulty and caused people to label her as “difficult” and ostracize her. The reaction and feedback from her classmates affected her deeply, and she realized that she didn’t want to act in a way that would make others exclude her. She came away from the trip more thoughtful about her own emotions and behaviors and their impact on others. She also had an increased craving for friendship.
Rachel’s new understanding did not mean she would mask more or try to morph into what others wanted her to be at the expense of her own wellbeing. But it meant that she started to explain herself more to others and ask for their help instead of expecting them to intuitively offer what she needed. As much as it pained her and me that she experienced others telling her she was a jerk and excluding her, it also helped her see how others were experiencing being with her. It was a hard realization that ultimately helped her think about the relationships she wanted to have with others.
It’s been a little over a decade since Rachel went on that high school trip. The adventure was not only a way to explore her interests but also a catalyst to learn more about herself in ways that couldn’t have happened at home. Familiar surroundings and regular routines continue to be very important for her wellbeing, which should be maintained the way she chooses. It’s still great to see her excited about new adventures and the personal enrichment they bring. I hope her confidence will continue to grow through travel.
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