Supporting Emotional Regulation in Autistic Adults

Allyson Linehan is a Consultation & Coaching Specialist and a LifeMAP Coach at AANE. Allyson has worked over 30 years in the human service field and has a Masters in Pastoral Counseling from Boston University. She enjoys helping clients achieve their goals and dreams.

Emotional regulation is a crucial component to navigating life, but everyone faces challenges managing stress, anxiety, and overwhelm. These challenges can drastically disrupt emotional balance, draining energy needed to complete tasks and navigate daily life. This can be intensified for Autistic adults having to move through a world not designed to accommodate their needs. 

Many parents and families wonder how best to support their Autistic adult children with emotional regulation and regaining balance after becoming dysregulated. AANE’s Allyson Linehan, a professional with extensive experience working with Autistic individuals and their families, shares her insights on emotional regulation and offers practical advice for parents and families of Autistic adults.

A World Not Built for Them

It is important to acknowledge the misalignment between society’s systems and the needs of Autistic individuals. “The world is not built for them,” Allyson explains. “As one of the adults in my women’s support group said, ‘I’m not Autistic until I walk outside. In my house, I have created the world, and it works for me. It’s when I walk outside, those systems aren’t built for my brain or my sensitivities.’”

This is a reality many Autistic adults face. As they interact with society, they must constantly manage sensory overload, neurotypical social rules, and societal expectations. This takes a tremendous amount of energy and frequently causes anxiety and stress. “Some people in the world think that the Autistic adult should be the one to make all of the changes, but that is not fair and it’s not helpful. The hope for the parents is to help find ways to mitigate that,” Allyson explains. 

Misinterpretation and the Danger of Labels

A common challenge parents face is misinterpreting their adult child’s behavior. Sometimes emotional dysregulation can result in being unable to engage in certain tasks or activities and can appear as inaction, escalated reactions, or constant focus on preferred activities to the exclusion of other responsibilities. But these reductive descriptions misunderstand the experience of the Autistic adult.

Allyson provides an example of a parent she worked with who was questioning whether their adult child was being manipulative because sometimes the child could do something and other times they couldn’t. Allyson proposes that masking – the conscious or unconscious effort Autistic individuals put into hiding their Autistic traits to appear more “neurotypical” – could explain the difference. Many Autistic adults don’t realize they are masking and the exhaustion it often causes. “I wonder how much energy they were spending on masking. When they are masking, they can do this thing, but when they’re not able to mask, they’re not able to do that thing. Is that manipulative or is that just energy level? Is that capacity? The outside world might say that’s manipulation, but to me it’s much more likely that it has to do with how many other things they had to prioritize.”

Allyson encourages parents to recognize the toll masking takes and approach the situation as a collaboration. “Labels like ‘manipulative’ or ‘lazy’ or ‘not trying,’ those are not helpful to either the parent or the adult child, because it puts the label on the adult child and it says, ‘You are the problem and you need to fix it,’ rather than, ‘This issue is difficult. How can we cooperate to help and make it better or more realistic?’”

Managing Parental Emotions

Parents of Autistic adults often carry their own emotions, like frustration, worry, or guilt, into situations that can impact their interactions with their children. Allyson advises parents to manage their emotions and seek support separately. “Deal with your own feelings as a parent in whatever way you need to—write it out, meditate, talk to a friend, come to a support group, find a therapist,” she suggests.

Some Autistic adults are highly sensitive to the emotions of those around them, what Allyson calls anxiety sponges. If parents bring their anxiety into a situation, it can exacerbate their child’s anxiety, escalating to emotional dysregulation: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

In those moments, Allyson describes why it is not a time to problem-solve. “Because of the chemicals in their brain, they cannot access the logical side. They’re not going to remember the details. Executive functioning is out the window. Whenever you notice those signs, stop. Say, ‘I think we’re getting anxious. Let’s take a break. Can we make a time to talk about it?’”

Pause the conversation and address the issue when both parties are in a better emotional state.

The Role of Curiosity and Sensory Engagement

Another strategy Allyson suggests for emotional regulation is tapping into curiosity. For example, if an Autistic adult is anxious about finding a job, starting by asking them to make a decision about what they want to do can feel overwhelming. Instead, parents might suggest they ask friends and family members what makes them enjoy their jobs or do research to collect information. “And talk about your own experience,” Allyson recommends. “By the time you have kids, most people have gone through quite a few different jobs. But they see you in this full-time job and they don’t know that whole process to get there. So they think they should come out and be like what you are now. They don’t know and understand the path that everybody goes through.”

Allyson also highlights the importance of sensory engagement. For some Autistic individuals, sensory input can really help with processing. If, for instance, the adult is feeling overwhelmed with the idea of finding an apartment, engaging them with pictures can help make decisions on size and features more concrete.

Turtle Steps and the Anti-Anxiety Sandwich

When it comes to tackling overwhelming tasks, many people will say to break things into steps. But Allyson suggests going further. She advises breaking them down into very small, manageable turtle steps, a concept she learned from life coach Martha Beck. A turtle step is something that can be done for five to ten minutes, even on the most difficult day. These small, incremental steps build momentum and help reduce anxiety, as the task no longer feels insurmountable.

In addition to turtle steps, Allyson suggests sequencing tasks into what she calls an anti-anxiety sandwich. “If you know you’re going to have to do something anxiety provoking, do something calming before and after that thing,” Allyson explains. “Build it into the schedule whenever possible.” This helps the individual manage the spikes in anxiety that might occur. 

Meeting vs. Being With Your Child

One of the most powerful pieces of advice Allyson offers parents and families is to not just meet their child where they are, but be with their child where they are. She shares a personal story about her son, who struggled with anxiety around going to school. Initially, she tried various strategies to force him to comply, but none worked. It wasn’t until she sat with him, apologized for projecting her own anxieties onto him, and simply offered to be present that he responded.

This approach requires parents to listen and accept their child’s reality, rather than trying to “fix” the situation through guilt or pressure. This includes parents being honest and vulnerable about their own feelings. “I don’t want [to add to] the anxiety sponge, but I do often feel anxious about things,” Allyson relates. “I own it. I’ll say, ‘Okay, this is a mom thing, just so you know. This is what I’m worried about.’” This openness changes the dynamic from one of opposition and conflict to one of dialogue and collaboration. 

Prioritizing What Matters

Allyson also stresses the importance of prioritizing the most critical tasks when working with an Autistic adult, especially given the energy demands of new tasks. Health and safety should always be the primary consideration. “For example, if they’re taking medications, do they have a system in place to get it, and then, have they gone to appointments that are important? Health and safety is first,” Allyson states. 

But beyond that, parents should ask their child what matters most to them. “Work with them towards what they think is most important,” she suggests, “Then it gives them momentum towards the next thing and the next thing.”

It’s also important to communicate the reason behind tasks. A process with many difficult steps can feel overwhelming. It is easy to get stuck when it is hard to see the bigger picture or the end result. “It just looks like torture, and they may not really understand how it has anything to do with their life,” Allyson explains. “Find a way to explain it that makes sense.”

The keys to supporting Autistic adults with emotional regulation are empathy, patience, and collaboration. When parents and family members manage their own emotions, and use cooperative strategies, they can help their Autistic adult children navigate the complexities of an often unaccommodating world.