Simple Steps to Provide Sex Ed as a Parent or Caregiver

About the Author

As a clinician, I run a private practice called Pegasus Consulting where I work closely with couples, individuals, and organizations to design healthy relationship curricula. Outside of work, I keep myself busy doing crafts with my daughter, sending hilarious IG reels to my husband, immersing myself in a good (historical fiction) book, and keeping way too many tabs open on my laptop.

Dating, romance, sexuality, flirting: I don’t know about you, but NONE of these were covered in any prenatal or parenting class I’ve ever been in. Regardless, puberty hits, social expectations set in, the songs lamenting unrequited love pop up everywhere, and oftentimes helpful resources can feel hard to find.

I’m a clinical psychologist who focuses on sexuality and relationship education for and with Neurodivergent teens and adults. A lot of sex ed is unhelpful, or inaccessible, or doesn’t reflect the experience of Autistic people. There is some good news though: information and high-quality resources are improving! And as our collective knowledge improves, stigma around sexuality, relationships, and autism tends to decrease. If you are wondering where to start or next steps to take in supporting healthy relationships for your child, read on!

1. Identify and celebrate the wins… or at least the process. Too much of discussion around relationships (related to autism or not) is focused on the risks, the dangers. But overall? Relationships are good for us mentally, physically, and emotionally. Let’s start with some celebrating! If a child tells you about a crush, that’s exciting, whether or not it is mutual. Experiencing a first rejection or needing to break up with someone? Form family “traditions” to grieve, bring comfort, or whatever is needed (e.g. watch a sappy movie, get ice cream, take more alone time.) Maybe you can share some of your own relationship stories, or those of a sibling or a cousin. Especially if your child is experiencing some social isolation, this is a great way to build comfortability and openness around discussing relationships in a positive way.

2. Balancing worry. Clinically, I often hear that minimizing risk and loneliness for their Autistic children are big stressors for parents and caregivers. If there were a magical cure for risk and loneliness, I promise I would share it, but I don’t know of one. However, here are some suggestions for managing that worry. The first step is tricky, but it is an important realization: all relationships include inherent risk, be it emotional, physical, social. Take a moment and reflect on your own adolescence and/or early adulthood. Were you interested in romantic relationships? Were you potentially trying to get away with some activities away from a parent’s watchful eye? There is risk associated with that, yes. And especially if your communication profile is different than your child’s, you might feel a different type of worry. But it is important to remember that low risk relationship behaviors are developmentally normal for teens and are even important learning moments. Heartbreak is brutal to watch but also, an experience shared by anyone who has tried to be in relationships before. The more practice we get at these skills along the way, the better equipped we are to handle these experiences in adulthood.

3. Self-education. One of the biggest predictors of access to sexuality and relationship education is the comfort of the person offering it. Also important to know is that Autistic students are significantly less likely to have access to sex education for a variety of reasons. Also ALSO important to know is that the majority of sex ed programs focus less on the social aspects of relationships (consent, dealing with rejection) or current tech frontiers (porn, online dating), and the vast majority do not include information for and about LGBTQ+ identities. We know from studies of Autistic adults the biggest topics that they wish they had more information on: gender and sexual orientation, consent, and assertiveness, which is directly at odds with the current sex education landscape. That means it is a good time to read up so when a question surfaces, you feel ready. Even better, prioritize materials that center Autistic voices. 🙂 Here are some great resources to explore:
   • Sex Ed for Self-Advocates is a great primer for yourself and for Autistic teens and adults to consult. 
   • A Self-Advocates Guide to Safer Sex – another great primer with some easy-to-read formats.
   • Autism Relationships Workbook – a fantastic workbook that focuses on all sorts of relationships from a neurodiversity-affirming framework.

4. Aim for inclusivity. There is lots of interesting research showing that gender and sexual orientation are more diverse in groups of neurodivergent people than neurotypical folks. Since programming often omits information for LGBTQ+ audiences, this puts extra importance on supplying this information in other ways. Asking relationship questions in really open ways can be a good way to start, even as simple as “do you have a crush on anyone at school?” and not “is there a girl you like?” Using the word “sometimes” is a great way to keep openness in your discussions around different bodies and genders and relationships: “Sometimes men marry women. Sometimes men marry men,” or “Sometimes people call themselves a boy or a girl. Sometimes they call themselves both or neither.” Here are some of my favored resources both for learning about the latest terminology, as well as chatting about these topics with kids across the lifespan:
   • ASAN’s guides to LGBTQ+ topics
   • ASERT’s page with lots of definitions and links to explore
   • AWN’s guide to transgender youth help to help combat healthcare disparities
   • Books that are definitely worth the read:
     • Spectrums by Maxfield Sparrow (stories from trans and autistic people)
     • Queerly Autistic by Erin Ekins (written for autistic teens)

5. Make a plan. Multiplication is taught by your math teacher. You learned about parallel parking from a driving instructor. “How to flirt” is a skill with a less obvious home; comprehensive sex education does not usually have a clearly identified professional to check in with. Sometimes it is your pediatrician, sometimes you are lucky enough to have a school contact who asks about or offers sex ed. But oftentimes as parents, you are the ones advocating for these conversations. Take some time (perhaps when you’re done reading this!) to jot down what topics or skills you want your child to learn as soon as possible and which ones to prepare for in the future. Does your kid benefit from repetition? Visual examples? What other learning approaches might benefit them? And then share this plan around with other important adults in your child’s life, such as family members, teachers, therapists, and doctors. In an ideal world, sex education and life/health skills would be part of an educational plan. That would also provide at least an annual check-in on progress. If your child has an IEP and it is not where this is happening, can you commit to reviewing and revising your plan after an annual pediatrician check-up? Near your child’s birthday? The anniversary of reading this article? Sex ed works best when we focus on it proactively, instead of in response to a concerning event, so this can help keep it on your radar.

6. Connect with others. This is a journey that parents of all neurotypes with kids of all neurotypes get to go on. See what support already exists in your network. Many relationship resources focus on non-Autistic relationship norms instead of reflecting the experiences of Autistic people, which can result in knowledge gaps. For instance, Autistic role models can share how they communicate about sensory preferences and intimacy with partners. Let’s say you just know that your child needs to know about hygiene routines around masturbation, but you either don’t feel comfortable or knowledgeable about how to approach it. Is there someone else who can help? A sibling, the doctor, a cool relative? Maybe your close friend does this for a living (ask me how I know about this one 😉 ). Work on this plan with your child, share your plan with good supports, ask if they can be the go-to for your child on a particular topic. Building an advocacy community for your child is not new to anyone reading this article, so you already know what to do here.

The best time to start any sort of sex education talk? Right now! There are lots of natural segues into this discussion, from movie scenes and song lyrics to overhearing someone talking at school. If you get a question about something that you have no idea how to describe, that is the perfect time to model how to safely find good quality information online or from a friend. And if you have already launched into discussions about puberty and relationships and boundaries and physical intimacy, find ways you can connect with parents of younger children to let them know YOU are a great part of their resource pool. 

Wishing you lots of luck, comfort, knowledge, and community as you take on this incredible lifelong process of relationship learning for and with your child.

-Eileen

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I direct a research lab where we focus on a number of different aspects of healthy relationship models, including how we “measure” relationship behaviors in verbal and non verbal ways, how Autistic teens respond to virtual sex education programming, how to train professionals to support dating relationships of their Autistic clients, and how to describe relationships in neurodiversity-affirming and positive ways, without a deficits-based lens. Our research team is neurodiverse, and we work closely with a Community Advisory board comprised of Autistic adults and family members to help shape our projects. Follow our lab @crehanlab for research study opportunities and resources.