Preview: Support Group for Men on Intimacy & Sex

Sonia Janks, Contributing Editor, with Michael Glenn

Discussing sexual intimacy issues has historically been a taboo subject, particularly among men. Autistic men often encounter further barriers with frequently less access to information and support, limited social circles, and unique issues such as sensory sensitivities. 

Michael Glenn is starting a new AANE support group for Neurodivergent men in committed relationships to change all of that. Hear what he has to say about his experience working with Autistic men on sexuality and intimacy, and what this new group will be like.


Tell us a little bit about how you got involved with this work.

I started off as a sex educator working in the Wellesley Public Schools back in the early 90s. I worked with a lot of students on the autism spectrum, and I also did a lot of teaching of human sexuality. At some point, AANE did one of their yearly conferences on autism and sexuality, and there was a planning committee that they asked me join. As I worked for that year, I began to get referrals of neurodiverse couples where usually the man was on the spectrum and there was some sexual issue that manifested in the relationship.  Since then my work has expanded. I now work with neurodiverse couples with a variety of issues including sexuality as well as with individual men on the spectrum also with a variety of issues.

What are the top three intimate relationship concerns or issues that Autistic men bring to you in your work?

It’s usually a complicated picture that men present with. But I’d say the most common thing is anxiety around sexuality. It’s important to mention that this is the most common issue for men in the general population too. Most sexual dysfunctions in men are based on performance anxiety. I think Autistic men who come in with that kind of anxiety may have fewer resources to deal with it, so it tends to increase. So the anxiety, the resulting dissatisfaction a partner may have with their sexual relationship and intimacy is oftentimes confusing for these guys. They don’t understand the avoidance that sometimes takes place within the relationship.

And then there’s confusion around intimacy. They may wonder, “What does my partner really want?” or say,  “We have sex on a regular basis. It feels fine to me, but she says something’s missing.” They really are genuinely confused.

And then the third thing oftentimes has to do with mechanics, as I call it. I hate to use that term, but you know we don’t do a very good job with sex education with our kids and especially kids on the spectrum. You know, when I taught sexuality in middle school, most of our Autistic kids were not part of the sex education because they thought it would increase their anxiety. And this was 25 or 30 years ago. When I say mechanics, I mean sex education. And we also spend a lot of time talking about sensory integration and communication issues that come up. 

What can a group member expect from participating in your men’s group on intimacy?

One thing that I think is most important is having an atmosphere of honesty, openness, and trust. As quickly as possible, we’ll develop a safe environment where people, as would be the case with any group, can disagree, people can be honest, and feel safe about doing it. That’s certainly an important goal of mine.

As I said before, I feel like I’m an sex educator, not just a sex therapist. They can expect me to be quite active. I give a lot of information. I’m fairly concrete. They can expect clear boundaries. I think that’s really important. We’re going to be talking about very personal kinds of issues. They need to know that confidentiality is going to be very much respected with this kind of a discussion.

We may come up with some answers and some strategies, but all the questions won’t be answered in eight or ten sessions. But what this really is going to give all of us is a better understanding of the issues that exist with sex and intimacy in a long-term relationship. 

What are some of the benefits of working with men on intimacy issues in a group setting?

In any group, universality is a key. Hearing other people talk about something that you can identify with, and hear how they struggle and possibly how they’ve dealt with it – I think that’s invaluable. I’ve done this work for a long, long time, and the issues tend to be pretty similar. I don’t want to reduce this all to a monolith, but there’s a lot of relatability to be had in a group of men. If the group is really going well, the support can be incredible. And that’s something especially men don’t get very much from other men.

What would you say to an Autistic man who may be dealing with sexual issues, but might be hesitant to join a support group. What would you want them to know?

You know, I think groups like this should exist for all men, whether they are neurodiverse or not. There are all kinds of media out there that are unrealistic or give misinformation. It’s really doing a lot of damage. Our culture just brings up men to ignore the needs of women, to ignore the emotions of a relationship. I think normalizing it might be helpful.

I talk a lot about there being hope. I see couples that come in who have had no sex maybe in 10 years, and they’ve lost hope. Or something has disrupted the equilibrium of a relationship. It could be an affair, a hormonal change, or finally someone getting fed up. But we understand neurodiverse relationships in a way we didn’t just 10 years ago. We really do understand the needs. I work with loads of people who have struggled with these kinds of issues and have overcome them. And so I would really want to instill a level of hope to any guy considering the group.

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